Morbid Fantasy
by Lolsnake9
Summary: What happens when you retell the classic fairytales with the DW characters and their corresponding Fantasy DLC costumes? LAST CHAPTER UPDATE
1. Snow Xingcai

**Morbid Fantasy**

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 **What happens when you retell the classic fairytales with the DW characters and their corresponding Fantasy DLC costumes?**

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 **Chapter 1: Snow Xingcai**

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On a long time ago, in a far far away land known as China, the kingdom of Shu was ruled by a benevolent king named Zhang Fei-

Liu Bei: Whoa, whoa, hold on! Shouldn't I be supposed to be the king of Shu?

What? The fuck are you doing here Liu Bei? You aren't supposed to be here yet.

Liu Bei: But it's the truth! Why in the hell Zhang Fei is the king? And benevolent king? Gimme a break.

Tch, well it's for the purpose of the story! After all, he's Xingcai's father! Or maybe you wanna claim Xingcai as YOUR daughter?

Zhang Fei: What! Is that true, brother?!

Liu Bei: What?! No no no! It's a misunderstanding! I didn't sleep with your wife!

Zhang Fei: Heh, good for you, or else I would smash your skull open.

Uhh…okay, let's move on to the story. So, Zhang Fei was a benevolent king of Shu who was very generous to give wine to all of his people so that they would get drunk all year, making the kingdom of Shu prosperous. He has a queen whom he loved very much, named Xiahouji. Unfortunately, Xiahouji died from illness after she gave birth to their daughter, Xingcai.

Zhang Fei: O, my beloved queen, how can our daughter and I live without you? This kingdom needs you!

When the king was grieving, his loyal chancellor Zhuge Liang offered him advice.

Zhuge Liang: Your Majesty, you seem to be in deep grief after the Queen died.

Zhang Fei: Of course! What should I do?

Zhuge Liang: How if we make a competition for the ladies of the entire kingdom to participate? Whoever wins will be the next Queen.

Zhang Fei: Hey, are you nuts?! There's no way anyone would want to enter the competition to marry ME!

Zhuge Liang: Oh, right, I forgot. Good thing you're self-aware. Well then, in that case I…. **reads the script** Narrator, what the hell is this?! You're telling me to give my wife to Zhang Fei?!

So what? It's just a story. She won't be sleeping with Zhang Fei, trust me. Well, if Zhang Fei insists anyway I'll give him a condom.

Zhuge Liang: Argh! That doesn't help! Come one, can't we just find someone else?

We can't, okay! Any other females already got their own roles!

Zhuge Liang: But still- ….hm, okay then, perhaps I can condition it. She's ugly anyway. Hohoho….

Yueying: What did you just say?!

Zhuge Liang: What? No, um, I didn't say you're ugly! No! It was the Narrator!

What?! How the hell's the blame on me?!

Yueying: Grrrhhh…..YOU!

Zhuge Liang: AAAAAAHHHHH!

 **BLEEEEEEEPPPPP** We're suffering household technical difficulties, please wait….

Ooohh! Gee, this is sure nasty. Hah, suck that, Zhuge!

Yueying: HEY! YOU TOO!

What?!

Yueying: YOU MADE ME PAIR WITH ZHANG FEI! ARE YOU MAD?!

WHAAAATT?! No, NO! It's Koei's decision to give you the Queen DLC costume at the first place- AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!

 **BLEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP**

Yueying: Hmph! That'll teach you!

Guurrrhhhh…okay….mov….ing….on…..

Zhang Fei: Whoa! Zhuge, what happened to you?! You look worse than the dump I last took!

Zhuge Liang: Long story. So, in that case, I have this one wife who's very smart, but ugly as fuck. She's ideal to be your Queen. Besides, I'm bored with her already.

And so, Zhang Fei agreed to marry Yueying, Zhuge Liang's ex-wife and made her the new Queen of Shu. However, this new Queen was very vain and jealous at Zhang Fei's beautiful daughter Snow Xingcai. She asked the Magic Mirror.

Yueying: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?

Mirror: It is king Zhang Fei's daughter, Snow Xingcai.

Yueying: What?! How is that even possible?!

Mirror: Well, I'd say you don't even come close to her. Hell, your ex-husband agreed to give you to Zhang Fei because you're ugly. You and king Zhang Fei make for a perfect ugly couple.

Yueying: WHAT?! How dare you?! **smashes mirror**

Hey! Cut, cut! Yueying, what the hell did you do?! You're supposed to then ask the mirror how to kill Xingcai, not smashing it!

Yueying: Because this mirror called me ugly! I hate it!

Well, it's just speaking the truth-

Yueying: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!

Um, no no NO! Okay, then bring in the replacement magic mirror. Alright, now repeat the scene, and don't smash the mirror again!

Yueying: Huff, okay, okay. Now, tell me how I can be the fairest!

Magic Mirror: It's simple. You only need to kill Xingcai, and then you'll be the fairest in the land. Just remember to not remove your makeup.

And so queen Yueying hired the huntsman from the Wu kingdom, Lu Meng, to kill Snow Xingcai. At the time, she was playing outside the palace.

Xingcai: Lalalalala~ Oh, how wonderful this world is! I am the princess of the Shu kingdom, the daughter of the great king Zhang Fei, who's unfortunately ugly as fuck. Oh well, at least I'm the most beautiful person in the entire land! What could possibly go wrong?

Lu Meng: Ha! Got you!

Xingcai: Aaaahhh! Who are you?

Lu Meng: I am the Huntsman Lu Meng! I was ordered by your stepmother to kill you!

Xingcai: What! How dare she to order someone from the other kingdom to kill me! You, too! How dare you to kill a poor little girl like me! I shall punish you! **starts to beat up Lu Meng**

Lu Meng: Ow! Ow! Ouch! Yakh! Aigh! Ow ow ow ow! Shit, the queen never told me that this kid is so strong! Agh, stop it! Argh! Okay, okay! I'll spare you! Just! Stop! Hitting! ME!

Xingcai: Hmph! That'll teach you!

Lu Meng: Argh…tch, screw it. I'll go back to Wu!

And so Lu Meng fled from Xingcai and went back to Wu, whereas Xingcai also fled to save her life from the evil queen Yueying to the forests. There, she bumped into a dwarf named Guan Ping.

Xingcai and Guan Ping: Oof!

Xingcai: I'm sorry. Are you hurt?

Guan Ping: Argh…no, I'm okay. Hey, aren't you princess Snow Xingcai?

Xingcai: That's me! I am fleeing from my evil stepmother queen Yueying. Who are you?

Guan Ping: My name is Guan Ping, the dwarf who lives in this forest.

Xingcai: Huh, aren't dwarfs supposed to be short? And I thought there are seven of them….

Guan Ping: Uhh…hey, the Narrator!

What? Geez, I don't know, okay! Ask Koei for stuffs like this!

Guan Ping: Okay, okay! Anyway, I stored the six others in my bag over here, but queen Yueying has transformed them into dolls.

Xingcai: What? She's so mean!

Guan Ping: I know. Well, since you are also on the run from her, why don't you live here with me?

Xingcai: Uhh…you sure people aren't gonna notice?

Guan Ping: Stay calm, it'll be alright! **devilish grin**

Xingcai: Uhh…if you say so…

And so Xingcai lives with Guan Ping, without any shady or suspicious activities between them. Meanwhile, queen Yueying was still waiting for the huntsman Lu Meng to return.

Yueying: Tch, where the hell is Lu Meng, anyway? Goddamn Wu people never fulfill their promises!

Magic Mirror: Well, look who's talking.

Yueying: Shut up! Hey, you're supposed to be magic, right? Tell me what happened to him!

Magic Mirror: Hm…it seems that he has fled to his own kingdom, Your Majesty.

Yueying: What!

Magic Mirror: He's fled because Snow Xingcai was strong enough to beat him into pulp, so he decided to 'screw it' and ran away.

Yueying: What! How dare he to break his promise?! I know I should never trust someone from Wu!

Magic Mirror: Hey, I'm right here. You could use me to check yourself first.

Yueying: I said shut up!...oh well, if hiring someone from Wu doesn't do, I need to find other means.

Magic Mirror: I'd say to you should disguise yourself as an old hag and then present Snow Xingcai a poisoned apple.

Yueying: Ah! Just exactly what I was thinking!

Magic Mirror: Pfft. Bullshit, bullshit.

Yueying: Wait, that means I have to make myself ugly. How can I do that?

Magic Mirror: I suppose you don't need much effort, considering you're already ugly yourself.

Yueying: WHAT DIDJA JUST SAY?! **smashes mirror**

Yueying, I already told you to not smash mirrors! They're expensive!

Yueying: This mirror constantly insults me! Couldn't you buy the mirror that doesn't talk?!

But then it wouldn't be a magic mirror! Huff…oh well, we don't need the magic mirror for the next scenes anyway. So, queen Yueying made herself look like an old hag by removing her makeup, and prepared the poisoned apple to present to Xingcai. At the time, Guan Ping was away mining for gold, whereas Xingcai was told to guard their house.

Yueying: **knocks the door** Kukukuku….this'll better work!

Xingcai: Um, yes? Can I help you?

Yueying: Can you please tell me the way to go to the Shu palace?

Xingcai: Oh, you just need to go straight from here. Hm, speaking of which, you kinda look like my evil stepmother queen Yueying without makeup.

Yueying: (Fuck! I must be careful to not blow up my cover.) Um…yes, I am actually her mother, coming to pay her a visit. Thank you so much for your help. Will you accept this apple from me as a thank-you gift?

Xingcai: Oh, thank you! Hm, it kinda smells funny, though. Seems like it was dipped in cyanide.

Yueying: Um, no! It's just your imagination! Okay then, I'm off. (Hah! She fell for it!)

And so queen Yueying went to hide behind Guan Ping's house to see Xingcai eat the cyanide-apple.

Xingcai: Okay, then! Bon appetite!

And so Snow Xingcai took a bite from the apple. However, she coughed and held her chest in pain afterwards before finally falling to the ground, dead. You could hear queen Yueying's sound of victory from behind. However, at the precise moment it happened Guan Ping has just returned from mining.

Yueying: Ah! Yes, yes! Finally! Now that Xingcai's gone, I only need to wear my makeup back, and I'll be the fairest in the land! Ahahahahahahahahahaaa! Oops, I hope nobody heard that.

Guan Ping: Hm, what was that noise? Sounds like an evil queen's laugh. Oh well. Xingcai, I'm home.

Yueying: Oh shit! It's that dwarf! I better go before he spots me! **goes away**

Guan Ping: Hello! Xingcai? Xingcai! Weird, is she sleeping? **opens door and sees Xingcai on the floor** Gasp! Xingcai! What happened to you?! Answer me! **sees the cyanide-apple** An apple? Gasp, no way! It's dipped in cyanide! This must be the evil queen Yueying's doing!

After trying to rouse Xingcai for several times, Guan Ping realized that she's dead. Grieving, he then put her body in a glass coffin to preserve her, before then discovering that she can only be revived by true love's kiss. At that time, prince Cao Pi from the Wei kingdom was travelling to the kingdom of Shu to look for someone he could make his princess, coming across a mourning Guan Ping and Xingcai's dead body.

Cao Pi: (Hm? Who is that in the glass coffin? She's so…beautiful.) Hey, may I ask you why are you crying?

Guan Ping: Several days ago, the princess of Shu, Snow Xingcai was fleeing from the palace because her evil stepmother Yueying attempted to kill her to be the fairest in the land. She lived for several days alongside me, before queen Yueying, disguised as an old hag, gave her a cyanide-apple to poison her. She took a bite and died from it. And now, she can only be revived by true love's kiss.

Cao Pi: True love's kiss…is that so, why didn't you try it first?

Guan Ping: Hey, dude, I'm a dwarf. That would be gross.

Cao Pi: Oh, so you're a dwarf? Gee, never thought dwarfs are so tall in this kingdom. Well then, you mind if I try?

Guan Ping: Eh? Umm…go ahead.

Cao Pi: Alright. **goes up to Xingcai and kisses her**

Miraculously, Xingcai opened her eyes.

Xingcai: Uhh…umm…what happened?

Guan Ping: Princess! You're awake!

Xingcai: Umm…I guess so…oh? Who are you?

Cao Pi: My name is prince Cao Pi, from the kingdom of Wei. I was travelling throughout the entire country to look for my perfect princess. This dwarf told me that your evil stepmother queen Yueying poisoned you with a cyanide-dipped apple, and that you could only be revived using true love's kiss. I saw how beautiful you are, and tried it. Now that you've been awakened, it seems that you are my perfect princess after all. Come with me to the kingdom of Wei so that we'll live happily ever after.

Xingcai: Oh, um…I would be happy to!

Cao Pi: Yes! But wait a minute….

Xingcai: What?

Cao Pi: Your face seems kinda…familiar.

Xingcai: What do you mean?

Cao Pi: Hmm…what?!

Xingcai: Eh? What?

Cao Pi: Argh! NO! I remember it now…no way! THERE'S NO WAY THAT COULD HAPPEN! AAAAHHHH! **runs away**

Xingcai: Hey, wait! You said you're my true love! Come back!

Guan Ping: ….

Xingcai: Huff…I can't believe he's gone! How will I live now without my true love?

Guan Ping: Umm….I may not be your true love…but you could live with me if you want.

Xingcai: Really?

Guan Ping: **nods**

Xingcai: Okay, then. Thank you. Oh well, I was getting hungry. Could we get some apple pies?

Guan Ping: Uhh…I thought dying from an apple would traumatize you, but let's go!

 **And so Snow Xingcai continued to live alongside that dwarf Guan Ping and lived happily ever after. The End…or is it?**

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Meanwhile on the kingdom of Wei…

Cao Cao: Hm? Oh, my son! You returned so soon. I thought you're about to find your princess?

Cao Pi: Huff…huff…no, father!

Cao Cao: Uhh…what's wrong with you? You look pale. Was everything alright?

Cao Pi: NO, father. NO.

Cao Cao: Uhh…okay?

Cao Pi: Father, I KISSED MY NIECE.

Cao Cao: …..? You?

Cao Pi: I kissed. MY NIECE.

Cao Cao: Your…niece?

Cao Pi: **standing still with a horrified expression**

Cao Cao: Uhhh…okay, it's alright. We could look for more beautiful women to be your princess.

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Haha, of course not! There are still many other wacky and magical shenanigans from the DW Fairytale! So keep on reading, and leave a review! Good day!


	2. Zhenjirella

**Let's tune in for more crazy wing-wong antics of the Dynasty Warriors!**

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 **Chapter 2: Zhenjirella**

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In a long long time ago, not long after the events of the last chapter, there's the big and prosperous kingdom of Wei, led by the mighty king Cao Cao. The king had a son, prince Cao Pi, who finally reached adulthood and must look for a perfect woman to be his wife. After searching throughout the country-

Cao Pi: Hey, Narrator! Why in the hell you made me kiss Xingcai?! She's the daughter of my cousin, and that's gross!

Well, shut up! This is my fic, and I get to determine who gets which role! Now shut up and go along with the story!

Cao Pi: Aaaahhhrrrggghh! I'll kill you, you dirty incest-loving bitch! **prepares his dual blade**

Try me, bovine urine. **pulls an eyelid**

Cao Pi: Hyaaaahhh! **shoots an ice ball**

Whoops! You missed! Haha! Sigh…well, guards, take him away.

Cao Pi: Aaahh! Get off me! I'm the goddamn prince! Tch! Remember, Narrator! You won't get away from me! **gets dragged away**

Sigh, seriously, you'll get your good part later! Be patient! Seriously, whose kid is he, anyway?

Cao Cao: Hey!

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Whoops, sorry king Cao Cao! Okay, okay, moving on. So, after searching throughout the country he found his perfect princess and 'true love', princess Snow Xingcai. Unfortunately, he discovered that Xingcai is actually his niece and thus ran back to his kingdom, still traumatized by that incestuous kiss. Seeing this, his father king Cao Cao declared a royal ball in which ALL women in the kingdom are invited in order for his son to choose his perfect princess.

Cao Cao: Okay, ladies, gentleman, and someone who's between them, my son Cao Pi has come of age, and yet he still haven't found his perfect spouse yet. And with this, I thus decided to declare a royal ball in my palace so that he might choose an ideal woman to be his wife. ALL women are invited!

The entire crowd present cheered.

Zhang He: Ah! What a perfect moment! I, too, will show my flawless dance and get the prince's heart!

Cao Cao: Hm? Hey, Zhang He, you're a dude! Why in the hell would you join this ball?! And my son's not gay! Get out!

Zhang He: Aaahh! Now that's just mean! Waaahhh!

Cao Cao: Go away! Sigh…seriously, I thought that he's the best knight we have in our kingdom! Huff…

Among those present was a beautiful young woman named Zhenjirella.

Zhenjirella: Oh my! A royal ball to be the princess! I can't skip this opportunity!

Now, Zhenjirella's mother died when she was still young, and later her father would go to marry a mean woman named Zhang Chunhua. And after that, Zhenjirella's father died anyway, leaving his evil stepmother in the entire control of the house.

Zhenjirella: Lady Zhang Chunhua! Lady Zhang Chunhua!

Zhang Chunhua: Hm? What the hell are you doing, running off like that? Did you get chased by a ghost or sumthin'

Zhenjirella: No! Here, the king has declared a royal ball so that his son, the prince, would be able to choose his wife. All women are invited!

Zhang Chunhua: All of them? Hm…no, you can't come!

Zhenjirella: Whaaat? Why?

Zhang Chunhua: Eh, umm…that's because you're actually a dude! Yeah! When you were born, your father couldn't accept that you're a dude, and so he gave you a special drug to halt the growth of your dick! Just wait soon enough, and you'll grow some beards and become a dude! You don't want the prince to be horrified when that time comes, do you?

Zhenjirella: Whaaattt? Really? Huff…but I really want to go to the ball!

Zhang Chunhua: Well, I can't help it. If that's the case, I will be the one to got instead! You just have to wash the clothes when I'm gone, you got it?!

Zhenjirella: Umm, but I'm a guy. I'm not supposed to wash clothes.

Zhang Chunhua: Oh my god, she actually fell for it. Well, I don't care! If I don't see those clothes clean the moment I came back, you'll taste my wires!

Zhenjirella: Kyaaah! Huff, okay, okay, I get it! How can you achieve the prince with an old hag face, like that anyway….

Zhang Chunhua: What did you say?!

Zhenjirella: Um, no, no! Nothing! **runs away**

And so Zhenjirella was forced by her evil stepmother to stay at home and wash the clothes whereas Zhang Chunhua instead goes by herself. Gee, these stepmothers are sure dicks. Why in the hell that trope is so common in classic fairytales, anyway? Anyway, when she was attending to her duties, Zhenjirella burst into tears.

Zhenjirella: **sniff** Why do I have to suffer all of these? First I got an ugly, evil old hag for a stepmother who abuses me, and now I'm revealed to be a dude all along and can't go into the ball! WHHYYYYY?! **screams upward**

Some neighbors: Hey, tone that shit down! We're trying to sleep here!

Zhenjirella: Whoops, sorry.

At that time, the fairy godmother Cai Wenji heard her plight.

Cai Wenji: Hm, how poor this maiden's fate is! I shall help her achieve her wish.

She then appeared before Zhenjirella.

Zhenjirella: Huh? AAAAHHH! SPARKLES! It's Edward Cullen, kill me!

Cai Wenji: I'm not Edward Cullen!

Zhenjirella: Hm? Oh, you're not?

Cai Wenji: Of course! I'm a girl, for **bleep** 's sake!

Zhenjirella: Uh? What?

Cai Wenji: I said, I'm a girl, for **bleep** 's sake!

Zhenjirella: What did you say?

Cai Wenji: Oh god! For the last **bleep** ing time, I'm a girl, FOR! **BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP** 'S! SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! **shatters glass**

Random neighbors: Hey, who the fuck was that?

More random neighbors: Oh my god, our windows' shattered!

More fucking random neighbors: What?! How could this happen?!

Cai Wenji: ….oops.

Zhenjirella: Geez, I know what you meant to say! It's just…that last part, which kinda sounds weird.

Cai Wenji: Huh? Really? **Bleep**! Oh! Hey, Narrator? What did you do to me?

Huh? I didn't do anything.

Cai Wenji: Yes you did! Look, you censored every swear word I say, like this! **Bleep**! Whereas the others are free to swear and drop F-bombs everywhere!

Hm? Oh, right. Well, I did it simply to not ruin your 'sweety, innocent' image you've already established within the DW series. Seriously, not even I can bear to see you swear, let alone other people! So live with it!

Cai Wenji: Oh, come on! I may be a 'sweety, innocent' girl, but I'm a human being too! I have every right to swear when I intend to! This is discrimination! This is sexist! **Bleep** you narrator! **Bleep** **bleep** you to **bleep** ing **bleep**!

Sigh…look, this is not discrimination, and this is certainly NOT. SEXIST. You say that and you'll get a bunch of angry feminists coming over here. Nope, I don't wanna risk that. Besides, even if I censor every swear word you say, it still ends up sounding noisy and unpleasant! So get on moving with the goddamn script!

Cai Wenji: Sigh…alright then. First of all, I'm not Edward Cullen. I'm a girl.

Zhenjirella: Oh, really? But are you sure you're really a girl? Because today my evil stepmother just said to me that I'm actually a dude by birth and that my father gave a dick growth-halting drug. My whole life's been a LIIEEEEE! **gets hit by a rock** YEOW!

Wang Yun (thankfully not some yet another random neighbor): Seriously, will that one fucking house ever SHUT THE HELL UP?! We're trying to sleep here!

Zhenjirella: Ouch….that hurts! What's that old man doing in this story, anyway? He only serves one scene to throw a rock at me!

Cai Wenji: Uhh…

It's only a cameo, okay! Some sort of a teaser for the future chapters!

Cai Wenji: Oh, thank you Narrator. Well then, you say you want to go to the ball, but cannot because your evil stepmother forbids you to?

Zhenjirella: It's also because I'm a dude!

Cai Wenji: Argh! For the last time, you are NOT a dude! She's only messing with you to prevent you from going to the ball!

Zhenjirella: Oh, really? I never knew.

Cai Wenji: Ye gads… **facepalm** Okay, for the last time, do you want to go to the ball?

Zhenjirella: If I'm not a dude, I'm sure willing!

Cai Wenji: She still believes that fact! Okay, okay, if you're willing, then I will grant you your wish!

Zhenjirella: Really? Yippee!

Cai Wenji: But first! In order to get yourself a fancy dress and a carriage, you have to prepare me two things: a jar of wine and a baozi.

Zhenjirella: Eh? Now that's odd. I thought you're a good girl who doesn't drink wine.

Cai Wenji: That's because I need wine to get my magic to work! So get me already!

Zhenjirella: Okay, okay!

And so Zhenjirella goes to the kitchen to get fairy godmother Cai Wenji a jar of wine and a pan full of baozi.

Zhenjirella: Here!

Cai Wenji: Ah, splendid! **drinks a full jar of wine** Ooohh, man, this wine is RRRREEEAAALLY GOOD! Hic!

Zhenjirella: Um…hello? Gee, I guess the wine is TOO good…

Cai Wenji: Ahahahahahaaa! Hic! Now, I, the Grrrrrreat Fairy Godmotherrrr Caiiii Weeennnjjjjiiiii, shall grrrrant you a PRETTY drrreesss! Hic!

The (drunk) fairy godmother Cai Wenji swings her wand, and in an instant, Zhenjirella now wears a pretty, glimmering dress.

Zhenjirella: Oh, my! This dress is so beautiful! Thank you, fairy godmother!

Cai Wenji: Ahahahahaha! Hic! That's the Grrrreat Fairy Godmotheeerrrrr Caiiii Wennn–hic-jjjjiiiii for ya! My magic is FUCKING invincible! Hahahahahaha! Hic!

Zhenjirella: Whoa! Man, I'm surprised when she said 'fuck'. Hey, Narrator, I thought you censored each of Cai Wenji's swears?

Well, I coulda sworn I did! Maybe that wine is so powerful that she's able to surpass my censors…oh well, it's wine imported from Shu, ruled by the mighty king Zhang Fei. What do you expect? Moving along….

Zhenjirella: Now that I've got my pretty dress, what about these baozis?

Cai Wenji: Hm? Ah yes, the baozi! One of the essential foods by mankind! It's shape do truly remind me of boobs. Aaaaaahhh…..hic!

Zhenjirella: Um….hey?

Cai Wenji: Welp! Bring those edible boobs here! Hic!

Zhenjirella brings the pan full of baozi to Cai Wenji. She took one of them and shook her wand at it, turning it into a baozi carriage.

Zhenjirella: Uh…baozi carriage?

Cai Wenji: Of course! It's made of goddamn baozi! Don't you feel happy about it? It got that majestic, royal feel to it. Perfect for a wannabe princess like you! Now get your ass on that seat inside and woo the fucking prince's heart! Hurry

Zhenjirella: Welp, guess I have to thank you for it. Well then, thank you for your help, fairy godmother! With this, I can be a complete diva at the ball and crush those ugly bitches! Especially that one hell of old hag called my stepmother! Hah! Off I'll go!

Cai Wenji: Alright! Hm? Oh! I almost forgot! Hey!

Zhenjirella: Eh? What?

Cai Wenji: You can have any fun at that ball, but remember that when the bell rings at 12 PM, the magic will disappear!

Zhenjirella: Eh, that's sorta of a shitty magic.

Cai Wenji: What did you just say?!

Zhenjirella: Um, no no no! Okay, I got it! 12 PM! Bye!

Cai Wenji: Bye! Eh, who knows that this so-called 'poor maiden' turns out to be a complete bitch anyway? **suddenly gets sober** Uhhh….what happened? **after realizing what happened** Oh! **Bleep**! I musta have some pretty nasty drunkenness after that wine! Oh well, at least I can swear uncensored! But now that I'm sober, all my swears are censored again. Sigh….

After the help from the fairy godmother Cai Wenji, Zhenjirella rushed to the royal ball at the palace. After so many hours and so many people have come, prince Cao Pi still can't find his perfect wife. And sometime later, Zhenjirella arrived. Her beauty and her beautiful dress (and particularly her baozi carriage, which was almost eaten by Sima Shi, but we managed to stop him) made many people astonished at her, including the prince.

Zhenjirella: Hmph! Yeah, that's right! Stare at your soon to-be princess! Hah! Step aside, ugly bitches!

Xiaoqiao: Gee, she is beautiful!

Lu Lingqi: Yeah, but unfortunately she's a complete bitch.

Guan Yinping: But really, look at that dress! Not even my father can buy me one like that…

Diaochan: You're right.

Zhang Chunhua: W-what? Zhenjirella! How could you come here?! I told you to not go here!

Zhenjirella: Hah! Eat your own fucking words, old hag! I'm the diva here! Your dirty tricks won't work at me, now that I discovered that I am NOT a dude!

Zhang Chunhua: W-what?! Tch!

At that precise moment, Cao Pi recognized Zhenjirella's immense beauty, and decided that she's the perfect princess he's been looking for. He asked her to dance, and as they were dancing, Zhenjirella also fell in love with the prince. However, as they were dancing, the bell suddenly rang, at the 12 PM, like the fairy godmother Cai Wenji has told.

Zhenjirella: Oh, no!

Cao Pi: W-what is it?

Zhenjirella: It's already 12 PM! I'm sorry, but I can't stay here any longer!

Cao Pi: What? What do you mean? The ball's not over!

Zhenjirella: I'm sorry! **runs away**

Cao Pi: Hey, hey! Come back here!

And so prince Cao Pi tried to chase her. Unfortunately, she managed to escape with the baozi carriage. However, the prince found on the steps a baozi-shaped shoe that Zhenjirella accidentally left on the way. He went to his father king Cao Cao.

Cao Cao: So, how about it, son? Did you find your perfect princess?

Cao Pi: I did, father. However, she suddenly ran away from me.

Cao Cao: Eh? Why?

Cao Pi: I don't know myself. She just suddenly ran away the moment the bell rang at 12 PM. The only thing she left is this baozi-shaped shoe.

Cao Cao: Now that's weird…do you know her name?

Cao Pi: No. This shoe is my only clue in finding her.

Cao Cao: Now that's kinda idiotic, not asking the name of the girl you want. Oh well, she's gone, and this kingdom is very vast, there's no way we can find her. Why don't you just pick the other ladies? There could be someone prettier than her.

Cao Pi: No, father. This girl is my perfect princess, and thankfully not my niece. So I won't turn back this time! She must be found!

Cao Cao: But how?! Like I said before, this kingdom is very vast, and it would be like searching for a hay in a needlestack to find her!

Cao Pi: Father, I believe it's finding a needle in a haystack.

Cao Cao: Well, it's the goddamn same! Look son, you're an adult now, and I can bear you to suffer another 'forever alone' year! Just pick another lady already!

Cao Pi: No, father, I won't!

Cao Cao: What?! You dare to disobey the words of your father AND your king?! I can't believe I'm saying this but…executioners, take the prince away!

Sima Yi: Wait, Your Majesty! Don't execute your son just yet!

Cao Pi: What?! Sima Yi, you showed up JUST NOW?!

Sima Yi: Well, it makes for a dramatic effect, after all.

Cao Cao: Hm! Very well then, Sima Yi, what do you propose?

Sima Yi: Here, my lord. From years watching my son Shi obsessing over baozi, I discovered that we could find that girl using this baozi-shaped shoe she left.

Cao Pi: How?

Sima Yi: Here, what should we do is to look for a girl whose cup size matches the baozi. If they match, then this girl is the princess who left the prince at the ball.

Cao Pi: Now that's just absurd! You mean I have to grope every single girl in this kingdom?!

Sima Yi: Ohoho, there's no need to soil your hands, my prince. After all, your loyal advisor is here to help! **devilish grin**

Cao Pi: Uhhh…okay…

Cao Cao: Ah! Your plan is exactly what I was thinking! Haha! My son, I didn't truly mean to execute you! I was just joking! Hahaha!

Cao Pi: Pssshh…bullshit, bullshit.

And so prince Cao Pi and his advisor Sima Yi went through the entire kingdom, groping every single girl and suffering it's consequences to check if their cup size matches the baozi-shaped shoe, but to no avail. Only a single house was left, which is none other than Zhenjirella's residence.

Zhang Chunhua: **hears door-knocking** Hm? I'm coming…who could you be- GASP! SIMA YI?!

Sima Yi: Excuse me, I am from the royal- AAAHHH! CHUNHUA?!

Zhang Chunhua: I-i-i-it's you? Is it really you?!

Sima Yi: Yeah, it's me! Seriously, you're still alive when we divorced? Gee, I was hoping you would die in a fire. It's fitting for your age, after all.

Zhang Chunhua: Grrhh…YOU! **raises fist**

Cao Pi: Um, excuse me…

Zhang Chunhua: Ah! The prince! Um, I'm terribly sorry for my rudeness. Please come in!

Cao Pi: Ah, it's alright…

Zhang Chunhua: So, what business do you have here, Your Majesty?

Cao Pi: Hm, here, we are searching for a girl on the ball whom I chose as my princess who dropped this baozi-shaped shoe. Only she would have her cup size match the size of this baozi. And therefore, we would like to check your cup size, Mrs. Zhang.

Zhang Chunhua: M-my cup size?

Sima Yi: Ohoho, it's alright. I am the one to grope you.

Zhang Chunhua: Oh, I see. Well, if it's him I don't care.

Sima Yi: Okay. **grabs Zhang Chunhua's boobs** Hmm…nope, I guess it's still not what we're looking for. But still, your boobs are still soft and big despite being an old hag. If it's like this then I guess I would be willing to go back to you. I'm sure our boys will be happy.

Zhang Chunhua: Hey, don't talk like that in front of the prince! AND DON'T CALL ME AN OLD HAG!

Sima Yi: Yeowie! Okay, okay, fine! **walks up to Cao Pi** I'm sorry, my prince, but she's still not the champion. My prince, we already searched and groped and get beaten by all the girls of this kingdom, but none of them matched. We should just go back now, I can't stand more beatings.

Cao Pi: No! There's no way no girls in this kingdom fits this baozi-shaped shoe! Mrs. Zhang, do you have any other daughters who live in this house?

Zhang Chunhua: Eh? Umm, no, Your Majesty, it's just me and my….stepson! Yeah, stepson! There are no other girls here.

Sima Yi: See? Come now, my prince. Let's just let your father to give another perfect princess for you, okay?

Cao Pi: No…no way!

Zhenjirella: **suddenly barging out of the kitchen** Hey, you're wrong, stepmother! I'm not your stepson, I'm your stepdaughter- eh?

Zhang Chunhua: **jawdrop**

Cao Pi: And now? Who is that?

Zhang Chunhua: Umm, my stepson! Yeah, didn't I already say it myself? He's just having an identity crisis! Hehe… (Shit! I thought I already locked her there!)

Cao Pi: Hm, he looks female enough for me, unless if he's another Zhang He….but I'll give it a try! Sima Yi!

Sima Yi: I'm on it! **grabs Zhenjirella's boobs**

Zhenjirella: KYAAAA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

Sima Yi: Ah! My lord, she- OW! AWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAAAAA!

 **BLEEEEEEEPPPP** This scene didn't get past the T rating…

Zhenjirella: Hmph! That'll teach ya! And, oh! My prince! I'm sorry for my rudeness, but what purpose did you come here?

Cao Pi: Well…I am-

Sima Yi: My…prince!

Cao Pi: Gasp! Sima Yi! You alright?

Sima Yi: My prince! She is…she is the one! Gakh!

Cao Pi: Gasp! Really?

Sima Yi: **nods**

Cao Pi: **turns to Zhenjirella** You…what is your name?

Zhenjirella: Zhenjirella.

Cao Pi: Zhenjirella, I have finally found you. You're the one who danced with me at the royal ball, the one whom I chose to be my perfect princess. But you ran away when the ball rang at 12 PM. After my loyal advisor Sima Yi received so many beating from groping all women in the entire kingdom, I've finally found you. Come with me, and be my wife!

Zhenjirella: Oh, my prince!

 **And so prince Cao Pi and princess Zhenjirella married and lived happily ever after. The End…or is it?**

* * *

Zhang Chunhua: Heh, guess that'll teach you to not grope woman anytime you like, like what you did to me when we first met 25 years ago!

Sima Yi: Shut…up…!

Zhang Chunhua: Haha, you're funny. You know what I was also just thinking of coming back to you again. I mean, my stepdaughter's now the princess, so I don't have anyone to boss around anymore! So I guess I only got you! Haha!

Sima Yi: Shut…the…FUCKING…hell…UP!

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Haha! As always, keep tuning on for more creepy fairytales twists from our beloved DW characters! As always, please leave a review! Good day! P.S: Also, I'm sorry that this took so long to update. I have so many businesses in the morning that I can only write this chapter now. Oh well, I hope you'll enjoy it though.


	3. Beautichan and the Lu Beast

**Let's see another wacky MAGICAL adventures of the DW fairytales!**

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 **Chapter 3: Beautichan and the Lu Beast**

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On a long time ago- okay, you know what, I'm getting tired of uttering that one line over and over again at the beginning of each chapter, so let's get done with it. There lived an old man named Wang Yun and his daughter Beautichan, who is beautiful. Captain obvious. One day, Wang Yun was about to travel into a far country, and he asked his daughter what she wants for a gift.

Wang Yun: My daughter Beautichan, I'm about to travel into a far far away country. What do you want for a gift?

Beautichan: Father, I want a halberd!

Wang Yun: Whaaaa?! What for?! Couldn't you ask for something, like, a rose?

Beautichan: Meh, roses are too mainstream! Lately a bunch of perverts have been stalking me because of my beauty, and I want a halberd to chop off their fucking dicks!

Wang Yun: Yikes! Okay, okay, I shall grant you your wish, my daughter.

Beautichan: Really? Thank you so much, father!

Wang Yun: Okay! Geez, this girl is kinda terrifying….

And so Wang Yun went. However, the moment he arrived to his ship the journey was cancelled, for the ship was broken. Disappointed, Wang Yun went back home, only to suddenly stumble upon a halberd.

Wang Yun: Ow! Whoa, a halberd? Left out in an open?

To his surprise, Wang Yun then discovered a majestic palace covered in halberds.

Wang Yun: Whoa…what…what the hell is this place? It's covered entirely in halberds! Hmm…well, in this case I'll just need to take one to give to my daughter **takes one halberd**

?: HEY! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU"RE DOING?!

Wang Yun: AAAAHHH! Damn, fuck! I almost got a heart attack! W-w-who are you?

?: I AM THE ONE WHO LIVES IN THIS CASTLE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, STEALING ONE OF MY HALBERDS?!

Wang Yun: No, no! Please, spare my life! I did this because my daughter wants a halberd as a gift, so that she might chop off the dicks of the perverts who've been stalking her! Please, let me have one!

?: Hm! Fine then, I'll spare you! But you have to promise that your daughter will have to come back to this place again, or I will be the one to chop your dick off! Get it?!

Wang Yun: Yikes! Okay, okay!

And so Wang Yun went back to his home.

Beautichan: Oh, father! You've returned so soon!

Wang Yun: Oh, er…yeah.

Beautichan: And you gave me a halberd too! Thank you so much for this gift, father!

Wang Yun: Errrhh…actually, my daughter, I didn't get it from the faraway country. I stole it from a palace that has a garden full of halberds. And the owner of the palace said that you have to come to that palace.

Beautichan: What? Is that so? What a rude creature! Okay father, I will come to that place myself! And I will chop his fucking dick off!

Wang Yun: Whoa! Okay, my daughter, if you persist….gee, why in the hell is she so enthusiastic of chopping dicks off, anyway?

So Beautichan agreed to go to that palace, alone, armed with the halberd grown at the very same palace. When she got there, the owner of the palace, Lu Beast, greeted her.

Beautichan: Alright! Where is that guy who threatened my father?! I'll chop his dick off!

Lu Beast: Hey, I'm right here!

Beautichan: AAAAHHH! IT'S A GORILLA!

Lu Beast: I'm not a gorilla!

Beautichan: Oh…then are you Hideyoshi?

Lu Beast: Let alone him! Wrong game series! I am Lu Beast, the owner of this palace.

Beautichan: Oh, okay…

Lu Beast: And I heard you saying something about chopping my dick, eh?

Beautichan: Um? No no no no no! I just said that I wanted to use this halberd to chop off the dicks of the perverts that have been following me around.

Lu Beast: Oh, I see. If that's the case, I can teach you the techniques.

And so Beautichan began a vigorous training under Lu Beast to chop off perverts' dicks. The training goes for days, and between the training, Lu Beast would sometime ask Beautichan to fuck with him, but she always refused.

Lu Beast: Please, tell me…why don't you want to fuck with me?

Beautichan: Because, I…

Lu Beast: Is it because I'm ugly? Or because I look like a gorilla? Or because I look like Hideyoshi?

Beautichan: No, because…I only think of you as my friend.

Lu Beast: Friend? Friend?... **faints**

Beautichan: AAAAAHHH! What happened?!

Chen Gong: Hmm…I see he's being 'friendzoned'. It would take some time to recover.

Beautichan: Hey, who the hell are you?

Chen Gong: Me? I'm one of the servants at this palace.

Beautichan: Well, you just suddenly popped out of nowhere in this story! The Narrator didn't even bother to include you previously!

Chen Gong: Pfft, who the fuck cares?! Oh well, since you refused my master, you may want to come with me instead…

Beautichan: **raises halberd** You say that and I'll chop your dick off.

Chen Gong: Whoa whoa whoa! Okay, okay! If that's what you want….

One day, Beautichan dreamed.

Lu Bu: Beautichan, Beautichan…why did you refuse me?

Beautichan: Who, who are you?

Lu Bu: I am the prince of this castle, Lu Bu.

Beautichan: Lu Bu? Gee, you look a lot like Lu Beast, it's like Lu Beast when he shaved…

Lu Bu: Captain obvious.

Right after that dream, Beautichan went to many secret places inside the palace, looking for that handsome prince named Lu Bu, but to no avail. Then, she decided that her training is complete and that now she is ready to chop off some dicks. Lu Beast let her go, with the condition that she must return exactly one week later.

Lu Beast: Hm. I see that you have indeed mastered the art of castration. Very well then, you can go home now.

Beautichan: Really? Yippee!

Lu Beast: But wait! You have to return here exactly one week later.

Beautichan: Eh? Why?

Lu Beast: Umm…because…uhh….I'd just like to see how many dicks you have chopped off by then! Yeah!

Beautichan: Oh, I see! I would be happy to!

Lu Beast: Yeah! You also need these two things.

Beautichan: A cellphone and a teleporter?

Lu Beast: Yeah! The cellphone is used to see what's going on in this palace, and that teleporter is for, well, teleporting.

Beautichan: That's kinda neat. But really, cellphone in the 16th century? Gimme a break.

Lu Beast: Hey, anachronism makes a story 10000x times better!

And so Beautichan returned home. There, she's castrated so many perverts that she forgot her promise to Lu Beast. When she suddenly remembers, she used the cellphone to check the CCTV inside Lu Beast's palace. She was extremely shocked when she saw the Lu Beast has castrated himself out of heartbreak that Beautichan hasn't returned yet. Using the teleporter, Beautichan arrived at Lu Beast's palace and found him with a bleeding crotch.

Beautichan: Gasp! No! No, Lu Beast!

Lu Beast: Hrrrrghhh…..

Beautichan: No…what have you done?! Please…I already brought you 1000 penises….why did you castrate yourself….

Lu Beast: Because…you don't…want to…fuck…with..me….

Beautichan: No! I want to! I love you!

And so all the penises Beautichan brought dropped their semen on Lu Beast, and miraculously, Lu Beast reverted into his true form, the handsome prince within Beautichan's dreams, Lu Bu.

Beautichan: Gasp! L…Lu Bu?!

Lu Bu: Whoa…I…I'm back to my true form again! It's all thanks to you!

Beautichan: Huh? M-me!

Lu Bu: Yes! I was originally a prince who was cursed to transform into a hideous beast by an evil fairy named Zuo Ci, and that I can only break the curse by the drops of semen from the penises chopped by someone who truly loves me.

Beautichan: That's….gross.

Lu Bu: I know right. Damn, now I need to take a shower. My skin has lost its virginity. Eugh…

Beautichan: But now, seeing your face, I think it's not really a curse that you turned into a hideous beast.

Lu Bu: Eh? Why?

Beautichan: Your normal form is already pretty terrifying. I guess it's because you haven't shaved in a long time…

Lu Bu: What didja say?!

Beautichan: Erm, nothing, nothing!

 **And so, despite now being turned into a eunuch, Lu Bu and Beautichan lived happily ever after. The End…or is it?**

* * *

Well, fuck no! Haha, stay tuned for more DW fairytales antics, and leave a review! Good day! P.S: I'm terribly sorry if this didn't turn out as funny as the previous chapters, because today I basically ran out of ideas for a funny story. I'm sorry. I'm DOUBLY sorry. This is the best I can do. Oh well, I hope I can do better for the chapters to come.


	4. Little Red Riding Xiaoqiao

**More craziness ensues!**

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 **Chapter 4: Little Red Riding Xiaoqiao**

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On a long long time ago, there lived a little girl named Little Red Riding Xiaoqiao. Gee, what a long-ass name. Oh well. One day, she wanted to visit her sick grandma, who for some fucking reason lives in a deep, secluded forest full of pedophilic wolves. Nice.

Xiaoqiao: Lalalalala~, today I'm going to visit my sick grandma, who lives in a deep, secluded forest full of pedophilic wolves! What could possibly go wrong?

And so she went. Little did she know that one of those pedophilic wolves named Zhou Yu, were following her.

Zhou Yu: Hey! Narrator, what the hell do you mean?! Me? Pedophilic wolf?! I'm not a pedophile!

Then why in the hell did you marry her, anyway? There are a lot of prettier girls out there!

Zhou Yu: Well, it's not my fault! I'll let you know that I intended to marry Daqiao, but my best friend Sun Ce took her from me! And now I'm stuck with this clingy, annoying-ass loli! She invades my personal space! I feel violated!

Pfft. Poor you. Well, just get in on the role already! You'll get your revenge, okay?

Zhou Yu: But I don't want to violate a loli! I'll be accused as a pedophile!

Well, that's your problem. Now get moving on the story already!

Zhou Yu: Why can't I ever win! Oh well. Mmm, I'm very hungry right now, but luckily there's a loli that has just passed me! I guess I could eat her. But as a loli, she couldn't possibly satisfy me…maybe only as an appetizer. Hmmm….choices, choices….

And so the Big Bad Wolf Zhou Yu chose to go to the house of Xiaoqiao's grandma first, because he thought that if he decided to just strike Xiaoqiao here and there while she was on her way to her grandma's house, she'll accuse him of raping her and being a pedophile. Not wanting to risk that, Zhou Yu chose the safe, alternate route. He barged in Xiaoqiao's grandma's house.

Zhou Yu: Ha! Gotcha!

Xiaoqiao's Grandma: Aaaahhh! Who are you?!

Zhou Yu: Haha! I am the Big Bad Wolf, Zhou Yu!

Xiaoqiao's Grandma: Aaaahhh! …m-my…you're….actually…pretty hot.

Zhou Yu: What?! Quit with the flirting, you disgusting old woman! I could tear you to pieces with these claws!

Xiaoqiao's Grandma: Ohoho…come on now, don't be so shy. I'll let you use those claws to good use on me…ohohooo…

Zhou Yu: Dear god, so it IS hereditary. Bah, whatever!

And so Zhou Yu disposed of Xiaoqiao's grandma, though she seems to be enjoying it, but never mind. He then stripped her, thrown up a bit upon seeing her naked, and put on her clothes to disguise himself as Xiaoqiao's grandma. Soon after Xiaoqiao herself arrived.

Xiaoqiao: Lalalalaaaa~ grandma, I'm here- OHMYGOD, GRANDMA!

Zhou Yu: Hmm? What is it, my sweetie?

Xiaoqiao: Grandma, what a pale skin you have!

Zhou Yu: Umm…yes! It's because I'm so sick and stayed in this house for so long that I haven't got any sunlight! Yeah…shit.

Xiaoqiao: Oh, I think it's because you turned into a vampire, and…whoa! Grandma, what a HANDSOME face you have!

Zhou Yu: Ergh! Umm…that's because I took a reverse-aging drug so that you will be more comfortable looking at my face, my dear.

Xiaoqiao: Oh, I see. And…grandma, what big fangs and claws you have!

Zhou Yu: Oh, you know what? Fuck it. **blows up his disguise**

Xiaoqiao: AAAAHHH! IT'S A WEREWOLF! A PEDOPHILE WEREWOLF!

Zhou Yu: I'm not a pedophile, and not a werewolf!

Xiaoqiao: Oh, really?

Zhou Yu: Mother of god. **facepalm**

Xiaoqiao: But still, you're actually kinda hot yourself!

Zhou Yu: What? Hot? You're not scared of me?

Xiaoqiao: Nope! I love you! Please come with me!

Zhou Yu: What?! Tch, look kid, I'm not coming with you! I will eat you!

Xiaoqiao: Eat me?! Kyaaaahhh! You're a predator!

Zhou Yu: Of course I am! I am a wolf! Prepare to die!

Xiaoqiao: Kyaaahh! You're a predator, which means you're a pedophile! I will call FBI! Kyaaaaaahhhh!

Zhou Yu: What?! When I said I'm a predator, that means I am going to EAT you, not 'eat' you! Argh, seriously, FBI?!

However, suddenly Xiaoqiao's grandma popped out of the window, holding a shotgun.

Xiaoqiao's grandma: Away from her, you sexy beast! **shoots web at Zhou Yu**

Zhou Yu: Wha-? Gakh! Akh! Let me go!

Xiaoqiao's grandma: Woohoo! I finally got you! This must be the luckiest day in my life! I get to capture the sexiest werewolf that ever existed! You're mine now! **drags Zhou Yu**

Zhou Yu: NOOOOO! Argh, ever since that goddamn disaster that brought taint at the world of vampires and werewolves that would make Bram Stoker roll in his grave, pretty much EVERYONE started to make vampires and werewolves look sexy! Including me and Jia Chong! AAAARRRRGHHHH!

Xiaoqiao: Umm…grandma? You okay?

Xiaoqiao's grandma: Hm? Oh! My sweetie Xiaoqiao! Of course I'm alright, my dear. If my beloved werewolf is around, no disease can touch me! We will eat some delicious cookies, but before that, would you mind to wait a bit? I'd like to have some fun with my new pet of mine~

Zhou Yu: GAAAAAAAHHHH! SAVE ME, XIAOQIAO!

Xiaoqiao: Umm…okay….nope! I guess I'll leave you with a MUCH more mature woman, hehe!

Zhou Yu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 **And so the Big Bad Wolf Zhou Yu failed to eat Little Red Riding Xiaoqiao, and he and Xiaoqiao's grandma lived (not quite) happily ever after. The End….or is it?**

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I suppose not. Leave a review and stay tuned for more chapters! Good day!


	5. Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel

**As I said before, time to delve into some more fantasy DW-wackiness!**

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 **Chapter 5: Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel**

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Once upon a time, there lived a woodcutter named Guan Yu and his children Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel-

Guan Suo: Wait a minute, Narrator. Isn't Bao Sanniang supposed to be my girlfriend, not my sister?

So what? It's the only role available anyway.

Guan Suo: But if that's so it'll be incest!

Sigh, no, Guan Suo. You two are a couple playing family members, which is not incest. It's incest if it's the other way around, like a certain other guy I remember…

Cao Pi: Hey! Don't drag me onto this!

Meh, you're the one who was stupid enough to do it, anyway.

Cao Pi: What! YOU didn't tell me that Xingcai is my niece! Now I gotta live with this horrible memory for the rest of my life…how cruel could you be to do such thing?!

Pfft, what do you actually expect from ME, huh? Indeed, I AM a sadistic person that loves to torture other people for the lulz, and so what? You can't fight my orders anyway, because I am the one in control of the story here. Shut up and let the story unfold. Ahem, so there lived the woodcutter Guan Yu and his children. His second wife Zhang Chunhus- hey, what the hell?! How come Zhang Chunhua's cast as yet another evil stepmother role?!

Bao Sanniang: Umm…I thought YOU were the one who casted her?

No! It's just a certain underling of mine, whom I told have to look for an 'evil-looking old hag' that is NOT Zhang Chunhua. But he came with her anyway. Huff…I suppose we really have no other choice. Oh well, she looks the part perfectly, anyway-

Zhang Chunhua: YOU CALLIN' ME AN OLD HAG, HUH?!

Whaa-? No, no no! I swear you're NOT an old hag! Euhm…okay, let's move on. During the time of famine, Zhang Chunhua attempted to throw her stepchildren away in the forest to die because they eat too much food. However, Guan Hansel heard this from his and Bao Gretel's bedroom.

Guan Hansel: Bao Gretel, my sister, I have bad news.

Bao Gretel: About our stepmother attempting to force-feed us baozi again?

Guan Hansel: Uhh…no.

Bao Gretel: Ah, good! That means she FINALLY understood that we're not Sima Shi!

Guan Hansel: Yes, but this time it's far worse than that!

Bao Gretel: Oh, you mean she attempts to force-feed our father baozi?

Guan Hansel: Well, fuck no! Sigh…looks like this is the effect of eating sweets for too long. No, infact, she attempted to throw us away to the forest to die!

Bao Gretel: Aaaahh! Why would she do that?!

Guan Hansel: Well, reason one, its Zhang Chunhua. Reason two, because we eat too much food.

Bao Gretel: Hmm…good points. Especially the first one. But, why did Dad agree to this?

Guan Hansel: Hmm…let me check. **listens from inside** …..

Bao Gretel: So? Eh? Why's your face red?

Guan Hansel: …..I see. So THAT'S why.

And so, Guan Hansel's got an idea. He decided to bring a baozi that he will use to trail the way he and Bao Gretel walked from home and to the forests when their evil stepmother Zhang Chunhua told them to. Zhang Chunhua was furious when they managed to return home, and attempted to dump them again. Unfortunately, this time Guan Hansel can't use the baozi trail because the trail's already been eaten by Zhang Chunhua's son Sima Shi, who fore some fucking reason managed to walk all the way here simply because of the baozi trail.

Guan Hansel: Sigh…I'm sorry, Bao Gretel. But Zhang Chunhua' son Sima Shi has already eaten the baozi trail. What should we do so we can go back home?

Bao Gretel: Hmm…I know! Let's use the wine trail!

Guan Hansel: Wine trail? Are you not afraid if Zhang Fei will slurp it right from the ground?

Bao Gretel: Naaah, that's gross! Why would he do that?

Guan Hansel: Well, for Zhang Fei, nothing is gross for him to do. But whatever, let's do it.

And so Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel brought wine from home and use it to trail their way home from the woods. Unfortunately, they're finally trapped for good in the woods for Zhang Fei truly came in and slurped the wine trail. After wandering around in confusion, they stumbled upon a house made entirely of gingerbread and cookies.

Guan Hansel: Huff…seriously, it's been three days we're trapped here, and now we can't find our way- oof! What is this? It tastes sweet!

Bao Gretel: It's a house made entirely of gingerbread and cookies!

Zuo Ci: **opens the door from inside** Ah, what could be you two children doing in this woods?

Guan Hansel: Ah, mister! Our evil stepmother threw us out in these woods!

Zuo Ci: Evil stepmother? Zhang Chunhua, wasn't it?

Bao Gretel: Eh? How could've you known?

Zuo Ci: Eh, it's a common secret. Anyway, why don't you come in my house? You can eat all these gingerbreads and cookies all you want!

Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel: Really? Yippee!

And so they went it. Little do they know that the evil wizard Zuo Ci attempted to eat Guan Hansel by fattening him first, and keep Bao Gretel as his concubine. He forced Guan Hansel to eat all the sweets he has along with baozi. Luckily, Bao Gretel figured out his intentions and told her brother. Then, Guan Hansel used the flower he has in his hair to trick Zuo Ci into thinking that he's still not fat enough. One day, Zuo Ci grew out of patience and attempted to cook Guan Hansel now.

Zuo Ci: Okay, my little kittycat, do you think that this oven is hot enough?

Bao Gretel: Umm…what do you mean?

Zuo Ci: That means you have to check whether this oven is hot or not.

Bao Gretel: But how do I do it?

Zuo Ci: My god, how come you're so stupid?! Why did I keep you as my concubine anyway?

Bao Gretel: Well, it was against my fucking will. And even though I'm stupid, I still got some 'lessons' I learned from my evil stepmother, you know… **wink wink**

Zuo Ci: Sigh…well, I suppose that's good enough. Then, I guess I just have to check it myself- WHOA!

During that opportunity, Bao Gretel pushed the evil wizard Zuo Ci to the oven. She then freed her brother Guan Hansel.

Guan Hansel: Huff, huff…great, we just got out of that evil wizard's house, but now we got no way home! Huff…

Guan Xing: Hey, you guys could use me!

Guan Hansel: Who is that- AAAAHHH! A talking goose with my brother's voice?! Who are you?!

Guan Xing: Um, well…the Narrator just basically stuffed me onto a goose costume, saying that only I am fit to be the magic goose's role in this story to bring you two guys back home, thanks to my wing weapons and all….

Bao Gretel: Ehrm…that's kinda….awkward.

Guan Xing: It IS awkward! Now I'm running out of breath in this costume. Hurry up to jump on me and get this story done already!

Guan Hansel and Bao Gretel: Uhh…okay, okay!

 **And so, they rode the magic goose Guan Xing and flew back to their father Guan Yu. There, they discovered that their evil stepmother Zhang Chunhua's just gone to marry another person to screw up his stepchildren's lives. And so they lived happily ever after. The End…or is it?**

* * *

Bao Gretel: Umm…father, Guan Hansel, can I talk about something?

Guan Yu: Hm? What is it?

Bao Gretel: Here, after I escaped from Zuo Ci, I don't think I'm feeling really well. At first I thought that I ate too much sweets, but now, I found out that I….I…

Guan Hansel: What?...oh. No. No nonononononononononononononononononononononononononono….

Bao Gretel: I….I'm…pregnant.

Guan Yu:….what….did….you….just….

Guan Hansel: Oh, god…..

Guan Yu: SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

* * *

….yeah. Anyways, this is the last chapter of this fic, and I can't make other fairytales because I'm not familiar with them/they're too long. Oh well. If I can find some time I might be able to make a sequel of this fic. Anyways, thank you for reading this fic to the end, and please leave a review! Good day! P.S: I'm also sorry that this took so long to upload, today is the first day of my new school-year and thus I got home a little bit late than usual. Oh well, at least I can give out this chapter for all of you to laugh on.


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